You have to be brave enough to face your guilt & disassociate yourself from the pain of the past. ~Stylicia~
I have so many unwritten, unfinished stories to tell from my life but I know there is a time and a place to unveil certain aspects about my past. Writing has become a way for me to emotionally disconnect myself from the pain in order to heal from imprints of my past. I believe you do not have to rush to tell your stories but when you are ready to be free your stories, which are God given testimonies help you release the shame. I woke up this morning under the impression that my guilt from my past had been haunting me long enough. When you are no longer afraid to tell people your failures or who you use to be they cannot hold it over your head. You will not hold the past over your own head as well. In the last year I have revealed so much about myself that I would not normally do because I am a very private person. However, when I was able to tell God, "I am ready to be free, I am ready to tell each story at each specific time" that is when my pen flowed so easily just like today. Today, I said out loud "I no longer want to be hostage to guilt anymore" from these simple words my freedom has come and now I can tell this story today.
When I was 23 years old I got an abortion and I never discussed this with anyone at all. The only person who really knew was my best friend in Detroit. I never felt the need to discuss it because the decision I made was appropriate for me during that time. Many people will judge me and say things that they cannot even relate to until they have "walked in my shoes". We all have things we wished we never done but some of us are not brave enough to forgive ourselves and repent. Instead we judge others and become hypocritical of other people's situations without understanding their journey. However, I have learned to live in a nonjudgmental zone with people. Judging others will only bring judgement upon yourself (Matthew 7:1). There are many things I could be ashamed about but now I can say "so what" who the son set free is free indeed. Today is a day I feel free to be my authentic self and not care about what others think about me.
When you hold guilt and shame it will hold you hostage to your past. It will also hold you hostage to feeling obligated to doing things you do not want to do. I have encountered plenty of old friends who were in my life who used my guilty conscious as a way to keep be indebted to them. People who use this type of manipulation prey on your weakness to feel like you owe them something. Be careful with people who try to send you on guilt trips so they can use and abuse you. In order to break the cycle you have to confront your guilt and shame to enter into an agreement of wholeness & forgiving yourself.
I cannot lie "I feel so free writing this right now" because I can walk in total freedom knowing God has forgiven me and I repented years ago for things of my past. Repentance will bring you into a peaceful place with yourself and God. It does not matter what people will say or how they will feel about me what matters is how I feel about myself and knowing God loves me. I will no longer let my past define me for my next level of living. This path I walk is often lonely because I choose to be real with myself but it has been a rewarding journey for the last 18 months. I can face my guilt and shame just to tell it "You can no longer hold me hostage I have disassociated myself from the past & my future is so much brighter now!"
Be Free, Face Your Fear, Guilt & Shame, Repent, Forgive Yourself & Then rejoice because God has given you a new beginning. Everyday his mercies are new!
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